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Steve Werner: Welcome back to grow your impact income and influence the number one show for monetization strategy sharing your message in a one to many fashion and today.

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Steve Werner: Looking and feeling your best as well as everyone’s favorite topic, how to get the date that you have always wanted I am joined today by kimmy seltzer kimmy kimmy is this is the best title in the world, you ready.

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Steve Werner: She has authentic dating strategist confidence therapist and image consultant experts, she is awesome she has so much energy kimmy wasn’t always this way, though she started off as a frumpy divorcee in Chicago kimmy how are you doing.

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Kim Seltzer: i’m doing great now I wasn’t doing great back then i’m glad like we’re starting with my story.

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Steve Werner: yeah it’s always great to start like when everybody was a hot mess, I mean that’s where.

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Kim Seltzer: People love training lately.

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Kim Seltzer: Completely and you came on my podcast and we were talking about how like vulnerability in our stories bring people together and.

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Kim Seltzer: You know I it’s funny when you were reflecting my titles back to me, it is a mouthful but the honest truth is the reason why I am so passionate about doing what I do is because of my transformation and my story and so.

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Kim Seltzer: yeah I mean rewind wow I think it’s been now 18 years I was you know living this traditional life.

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Kim Seltzer: In this traditional home with a traditional picket fence and I was acting as a traditional therapist right and so everything was going on as planned there in Chicago and I thought that was my life basically when.

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Kim Seltzer: Then one day we all pick up as a family and we move across to hear lala land and we land here and we do it all the other people here do.

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Kim Seltzer: get a divorce and joking, I mean Obviously there are issues right going on in the story, but.

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Kim Seltzer: Lo and behold there, I am in my new Castle, not knowing what to do with my new life, like the record literally just stopped and the life as I knew it stop there, too, and.

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Kim Seltzer: I have to say I mean this, this is really when I hit rock bottom and, mind you up until then I considered myself a pretty confident happy person, you know I I just kind of was complacent and.

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Kim Seltzer: That was my life and when something like that happens to you like it can cause even the most confident person to not be in and all these.

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Kim Seltzer: insecurities started coming up, and I call it my black period because not only was it like a dark moment in my mind, but my clothes really reflected that So if you saw me back then I would not be wearing red for sure.

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Kim Seltzer: We were talking about colors I was in all black and wearing clothes like three sizes too big for me and.

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Kim Seltzer: I just remember one day looking in the mirror and hating what I saw and and here’s the kicker because it relates to me, being a therapist for so long.

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Kim Seltzer: I knew up here what I needed to do right and I went to counseling myself I knew exactly intellectually what I needed to do I great friends, I had a great support system and.

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Kim Seltzer: I still couldn’t get out of my own way and it really hit me when I saw myself in the mirror, one day, and I was like dear Lord what have I become.

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Kim Seltzer: I even have a nursing bras on and I wasn’t nursing any longer, I mean this is how bad it got and I had my birkenstocks on is like who’s going to be attracted to me.

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Kim Seltzer: But, but now looking back I realized, it was it was my shield right like it was my black cloak to keep me invisible from you alien men, because I know what the hell, to do with you guys like I you know, I was like me go out flirt date.

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Kim Seltzer: You have right, so I was using it as an excuse, keeping me like in my black low so.

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Kim Seltzer: One day, I remember getting out of bed looking in the mirror so fed up I said, you know what i’m going to just go shopping shopping therapy.

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Kim Seltzer: So I go shopping and what am I doing i’m doing all the same things that I normally do i’m getting the black clothes i’m collecting them all right, but I think i’m up leveling myself because they’re new.

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Kim Seltzer: So I have a bunch of black clothes in my hands and this personal shopper she comes up to me and she says man.

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Kim Seltzer: I really think you should try this on i’ve been watching you and she holds up this red dress that looked like.

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Kim Seltzer: Three sizes too small, and I said that’s so sweet of you, but that’s really not my size and that’s so not my color she says honey, that is your size, that is your color.

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Kim Seltzer: Try it on boom I call it my red dress moment right, it was like she hit me over the head with that red dress and I came to, and I was like you know what she’s right I I need to do this, I need to see and feel something different, so I slipped it on and I twirled around like Cinderella.

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Kim Seltzer: And while there, I was, and I just remember like staring at myself like wow like I have not seen myself in so long and it was the first time.

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Kim Seltzer: I guess I realized like it was something like a visceral response I had in my body that wow there is a symbiotic relationship between the outer and the inner when it comes to competence it’s not just all this like inner work and analytical talking stuff.

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Kim Seltzer: What you portray on the outside, is a lot of times what what you feel inside, and so I bought that costume that day I call it a costume because I still don’t believe it, but I I was determined to wear it until I became it.

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Kim Seltzer: So I went out into the world, and all this magic started happening right like new suitors began to come my way all this opportunity started knocking on my door and.

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Kim Seltzer: that’s when I just loved the whole notion of the transformation and from that moment, I wanted to do it with.

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Kim Seltzer: every other person, and besides, that I was really obsessed with that the show whatnot to where i’m like I want to do that, I want to do that for people in real life and not have to like when some sort of show to have that happen to people so that’s where it all started yeah.

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Steve Werner: I mean that is pretty awesome I agree, I think I mean I look back at like times in my life, where I definitely wear clothes that are too big or.

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Steve Werner: Like didn’t suit me I also I mean i’ve seen people do it i’ve seen women who put on weight, because they they want to like shield themselves, they don’t know how to handle attention for men.

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Steve Werner: or.

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Steve Werner: They don’t want that um that when you’re saying that like i’ve definitely seen people do that i’ve also seen like to your point about confidence.

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Steve Werner: I see this in sales all the time, if people are having a hard time in their business and sales.

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Steve Werner: A lot of times it’s because they’re not confident and clear on what they sell.

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Steve Werner: they’re not clear on the outcome that they get people in day things the same way, like if you’re not comfortable putting yourself out there, if you don’t feel like you are.

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Steve Werner: a gift to the opposite sex that you would be dating you’re going to have a hard time showing that right you’re gonna be meek you’re going to be mild you’re not going to want to flirt you’re not gonna want to have a conversation.

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Steve Werner: And when you do you’re going to overcompensate going the other way, this is really interesting like i’m connecting dots in my head, so what happened, you started going out you were like okay i’m now attracting other people, this is a whole nother world like.

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Steve Werner: How did i’m interested in what happened in your head, how long did it take you to change and what were some of the big roadblocks that you had to overcome because i’m sure there are people listening to this.

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Steve Werner: Entrepreneurs have such a hard time dating.

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Steve Werner: i’m sure they’re like interested in Okay, so you put yourself out there and then what happened, like what did you have to deal with.

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Kim Seltzer: yeah I was like oh shoot now what you don’t like I was like got the costume check right putting myself out there check.

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Kim Seltzer: Now, how do I talk to you aliens right like it was a progression of things that happened and I always say.

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Kim Seltzer: That it is like a domino effect and that’s why I like to work I kind of flipped the script instead of working from the inside out I work from the outside, in, and the reason why I like that it is the quickest gateway.

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Kim Seltzer: into making like shifts and changes and that internally will help shift you.

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Kim Seltzer: And so I use this whole formula it’s called the charisma quotient, it is the name of my podcast it is hopefully the name of my book, eventually, but it’s the formula that I use to teach people.

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Kim Seltzer: Where I feel that there’s three ingredients So the first thing is raising someone style intelligence now that’s what I had done for myself and that’s what I love doing for people, because to your point.

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Kim Seltzer: It is about marketing and I work with a ton of people in business as well it’s not I don’t just work with singles I work with people in all different phases of you know relationships and what they’re trying to attract.

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Kim Seltzer: Because whether it’s lover business, it really is about the attraction factor and how your marketing yourself right and so.

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Kim Seltzer: The style intelligence is looking at your body language it’s looking at how you move in those clothes your attitude that you have the first impressions, I mean those are huge.

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Kim Seltzer: Because I don’t care how much inner work you do, or how much you learn about the trade of your business.

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Kim Seltzer: If you’re not marketing yourself in a way for someone to get to know who you are then you’re missing the mark you’re missing opportunity all over the place.

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Kim Seltzer: And so, this is what really excites me because honestly there’s not too many things in life.

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Kim Seltzer: where you can get that instant gratification and results, and so, if you knew how to dress for your body type what kind of message you’re trying to send and also who you’re trying to attract.

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Kim Seltzer: If you just change some of the clothes and the way that you move through the room, I mean that’s huge right.

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Kim Seltzer: So, then, the second thing I work on with people is raising their emotional intelligence that’s the second ingredient, and that is, I mean we hear this a lot right that’s kind of a buzzword these days, but.

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Kim Seltzer: If I look at it is, how are you expressing yourself, you know, using feeling words storytelling you and I were talking about that, on my podcast.

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Kim Seltzer: vulnerability authenticity, that is what connects us with everybody whether it’s in sales or dating and then the third is raising your social intelligence and that is.

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Kim Seltzer: Your interpersonal skills your social skills your social like just norms like, how do you navigate a room and, yes, that includes flirting so flirting.

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Kim Seltzer: is a big part of my business I have flirt workshops that I do all the time I win Gal sessions, where I go out with people and I teach them how to do it.

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Kim Seltzer: Because again, that is the first hit you know, and when you walk into the world more charismatic and playful and fun and connected and President.

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Kim Seltzer: that’s half the battle right and it’s all about the other stuff you know that that comes with it, so that was my own journey and I learned the hard way trust me like I have many, many stories that came out of that red dress.

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Kim Seltzer: And, and I really put it in my little basket and I skipped along the yellow brick road and i’m still learning right but.

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Steve Werner: Alright, so we’re gonna I have, I have a ton of questions.

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Steve Werner: yeah but in order to keep with the storytelling and hear some of your skeletons in your closet, if you will, I want to hear because I love, one of the questions I always try to dig in with people is, what are the biggest mistakes that people made.

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Steve Werner: Obviously, made a lot to get here so.

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Steve Werner: From that red dress moment what is one mistake moving forward that you made with your wardrobe because I I if, do you know who frank Kern is.

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Kim Seltzer: Yes, I do.

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Steve Werner: Okay, so frank, if you guys are listening to this, you probably know, digital marketing frank started off as a long haired hippie he drove a VW bus.

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Steve Werner: On purpose and he wrote a skateboard he always talked about riding a skateboard because his whole marketing was driven towards.

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Steve Werner: trying to get those you know 19 to 25 year olds to invest in digital marketing courses.

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Steve Werner: Then frank got the bright idea, I have to change and sell the business people there’s way more business money in the business world so over a course of a year he cut his hair, you can watch this he took off two inches at a time till he got short.

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Steve Werner: Then he went with the cut the comb over and he went from wearing a T shirt to a V neck.

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Steve Werner: than a V neck with a sport blazer than a sport blazer with a dress shirt and then a dress shirt with slacks you can literally watch the progression he talks about it inside his inner circle like he did it was very planned out.

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Steve Werner: Oh, my gosh like how do I transition.

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Steve Werner: Now we just talked about it from a business standpoint, what I want to know, for you is, and I think a lot of people out there, I agree, you are.

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Steve Werner: If you are not dressed well and dressed well does not mean expensive or uncomfortable at least to me.

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Steve Werner: But if you are dressed well, you will attract a different person if you’re wearing I had a girl show up once on a date in pajama pants and a T shirt.

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Steve Werner: And I just like literally was like cool we’re gonna have coffee and like nothing against you, but if that’s if that’s what you’re going to show up to a date on like life is not important to you.

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Kim Seltzer: How quickly, did you get past that like that that’s really interesting right like were you focused on that a lot like during the date.

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Steve Werner: Well, she just showed up and I was like wtf like and she was granted she was like I did say something I was like are those pajama pants and she was like.

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Steve Werner: it’s 10am.

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Steve Werner: And she was like I wanted to be comfortable and they weren’t they weren’t like horrible looking like flannel like you know junk, but they also like.

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Steve Werner: She put zero time like she literally rolled out of bed, maybe put on like like I think she was going it was Vegas i’m going for that, like I don’t care, but I care look.

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Steve Werner: yeah but anyway, I want to hear from your point.

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Steve Werner: What are what is some mistakes that you made, because obviously the red dress worked, but then you probably went shopping and bought some clothes that didn’t work you try to overcompensate maybe fell flat on your face with.

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Steve Werner: I don’t know wore something bad what and then I want to hear some tips for people listening like, how do you shop, if you want to change your image, a little bit or, if you want to look best, but people say like I don’t feel comfortable in that.

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Kim Seltzer: yeah yeah Oh, I have such a good story to tell around that um but before I get into my story, I just want to comment on what you said, because it really is true, I mean.

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Kim Seltzer: To make a first impression, these days, you only got seven seconds now like even like a couple of years ago was 30 seconds at seven and probably with bumbling tinder it’s even quicker right so.

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Kim Seltzer: nanoseconds nanoseconds here’s The thing that research says in the brain what’s happening in those seven seconds is that people are making judgments and assumptions based on two things.

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Kim Seltzer: One is what someone’s wearing and the second is the attitude so that’s your nonverbal right like what’s written on your face you’re you’re.

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Kim Seltzer: Just everything about your mannerisms all those things so like for you, with the pajama girl it’s funny because she’s memorable now as a story, but not in a good.

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Kim Seltzer: Good way way.

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Kim Seltzer: Right, not in a good way, so it could be a good impression can be a bad impression and that’s how powerful though an impression is because they can stick with you.

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Steve Werner: Right so she was attractive.

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Steve Werner: isn’t anything like she was she wasn’t hiding anything she wasn’t like she wasn’t attractive woman she just like I would not.

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Steve Werner: no interest in a second date like if that’s the way you’re going to show up like the judgments that I was making where.

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Steve Werner: You either were running late because you didn’t plan or you didn’t you don’t take care of yourself, or you don’t care enough, like all of those things are negative so like literally like we had.

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Steve Werner: Maybe the whole thing lasted 10 minutes like I just didn’t have much to say, and she was kind of when I asked her like are those pajama pants she could tell and she got self conscious, I was like that’s even worse, like.

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Steve Werner: i’m just not she got but then she got like kind of flip it like well if i’m not good enough for you, because I were pajama pants I was like I didn’t say that.

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Steve Werner: I like you’re like the whole thing just.

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Kim Seltzer: downhill downhill.

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Steve Werner: With um.

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Kim Seltzer: yeah well no and that’s The thing is that.

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Kim Seltzer: People in this is again, just like the research based stuff you, you will give a certain impression off based on your clothes on who you are in the world, so like.

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Kim Seltzer: What kind of clients, you want to attract what kind of person, you are and who you want to attract and that kind of thing, and I find it so funny is that you know, and I do these virtual makeover sessions and.

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Kim Seltzer: A lot of times, people are like Oh, I want to find a really athletic woman and then they don’t look athletics, and their picture it’s like I was, I was dealing with this guy this guy he looked.

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Kim Seltzer: horribly was out of shape, he was wearing these horrible clothes and I said in your you’re trying to attract an athletic woman who’s well dressed I said you got to act.

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Kim Seltzer: The part you got to dress the part to attract that right, so it is it’s so powerful and an answer to your question about like mistakes that I had made, and I think a lot of people make is that.

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Kim Seltzer: A lot of times people don’t have intention with their dating clothes right they’re running from a business meeting to a date and there is a difference between your dating image and your corporate image and your mommy and image and your Daddy and and.

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Kim Seltzer: And we all have these different parts of us and, and we should be more intentional and that’s why I like calling it a costume.

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Kim Seltzer: Because, if you think of your dating clothes as a dating costume you will embody a different energy.

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Kim Seltzer: there’s energy and like you said you’ll look like you care, most people are attracted to outfits that are put together, whether you’re a man or a woman and that’s.

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Kim Seltzer: unisex actually that’s the number one thing that most people think is sexy is someone who looks put together now within that there’s different body types and style and signature pieces and I get into all that.

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Kim Seltzer: But, like, for me, when I first got my oh my gosh well there’s a longer version but i’ll try to condense it into answering this.

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Kim Seltzer: The first woman that I met, who is single who is another mom I was so excited i’m like oh my God there’s another divorcee just like me, you know and i’m one hand and depressed me on the other hand, that excited me and when she showed up and the door to take me out on the town.

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Kim Seltzer: I I opened the door, and I saw this like gorgeous blonde you know it was like a halo of you know, and she was.

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Kim Seltzer: She had this really cute sexy top on and the skinny jeans and these little heels and she’s like bounced when she walked in she smelled like vanilla and I remember hugging her and looking in the mirror and I, my gosh.

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Kim Seltzer: Where I had my black clothes on know not only was what I had my mommy clothes on I even think I had like spit up on still because my kids were still like young I like what the heck Am I think so, I did not even.

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Kim Seltzer: Think about changing to create a different energy and a sex appeal about me so that was like lesson number one dress the part you know and.

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Kim Seltzer: And I didn’t smell like vanilla I think I ran into the bathroom and put like the february’s on just so that I smell.

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Kim Seltzer: smell, like her, so it was a big lesson for me, and that was a big dating blunder but i’m from there than you know just moving forward to what I teach.

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Kim Seltzer: I think that’s The first thing is like getting into a dating mindset and I love helping people put together what I call a date prep prep plan.

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Kim Seltzer: Like, how can you shake off your day within an hour and put intention into the energy in the wardrobe so that you go into the date being fun being flirty.

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Kim Seltzer: and getting out of your masculine self and, by the way, that’s both for men and women, you know there’s.

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Kim Seltzer: there’s a more you know right brain kind of feminine side for women that I love helping them and body when.

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Kim Seltzer: They pick out a different outfit they get more in their body they dance around the you know, like putting salsa dancing on you to just getting into that kind of you know, energy, I would say.

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Kim Seltzer: Then, so that that’s The first thing is just the the mindset, but I don’t know if you have a question from there.

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Steve Werner: I just well, I mean the the you just touched on masculine feminine energy, the best thing you can do as a woman on a date is show up in feminine energy and look good like you don’t have to.

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Steve Werner: buy look at I don’t mean look look like trash and just have to look.

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Steve Werner: Good look feminine.

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Kim Seltzer: yeah.

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Steve Werner: With that energy like I get that.

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Steve Werner: To be successful, especially in corporate America, you have to be more masculine energy, but if you show up in that on date there’s no polarity like just from a guy’s point of view i’ve had that happen and it’s like.

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Steve Werner: i’m not here to have a business meeting I don’t like that’s not that’s not why we’re here and you’re showing up in that, and it makes it like.

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Steve Werner: cool like we had a cocktail okay here’s a business card i’ll see you later like that’s not so I love that you are calling that out, and like helping people shift some women I don’t.

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Steve Werner: I don’t think even understand that they get caught up in that right like they’re just like Well, this is now, who I am i’m powerful businesswoman and it’s like that’s you don’t want to eat if you’re in a relationship that way it’s going to be very hard to maintain it.

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Kim Seltzer: Oh yeah.

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Steve Werner: that’s my thought that’s I know we’re kind of going down a rabbit hole that has nothing to do with.

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Steve Werner: With image, but it is very I just say like that I like that you call that out and you’re giving women a way to change your clothes, change your attitude get into something i’ll let you take it back from there.

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Kim Seltzer: Well, no, and I was gonna say really This could be a whole other podcast, and this is why my flirt workshops have been so popular I mean I think in my last flirt challenge, I had over 300 women because it is becoming an enigma like.

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Kim Seltzer: What is flirting what is feminine energy, because to your point, women are getting very powerful in the workforce and.

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Kim Seltzer: there’s this notion why don’t want to dumb down for man and i’m independent and all that and.

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Kim Seltzer: And guys love that like that’s not the issue or the problem I mean being independent smart successful woman is awesome you know most men find that sexy, but.

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Kim Seltzer: When you don’t round it out with the receiving mode energy of being playful and fun and also loving the energy that a man can bring to you.

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Kim Seltzer: right then you’re shutting things down and so that’s why I love clothes, you know, starting with the clothes, because.

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Kim Seltzer: It is something and it’s one of the secret ingredients to flirting because if you do show up in that costume people will respond and, by the way.

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Kim Seltzer: i’m not just talking about women i’m talking about you mentioned like oh em gee I can’t tell you how many times i’ve done man overs where like guys are just like oh no like.

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Kim Seltzer: Oh, you you you women like look at this stuff you know, like a lot of men do not you know, like pay attention to what they put on and.

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Kim Seltzer: To me, and two women you’ll hear all the women say like gosh of a man just shows up with some sex appeal in his closing looks put together, like my God will overlook a lot of things you know, like will actually be more forgiving if you guys show up so.

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Kim Seltzer: I yeah.

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Steve Werner: I want to ask specific questions because there, I know there are guys listening to this and girls may go with guys first, because I think I think you’re you’re touching on it, I was lucky to grow up the sisters and called me out on a little bit.

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Steve Werner: But what What do you mean for a guy to have a click to gather outfit because most guys like they go and they grab one thing out of the closet and then they grab another thing and they’re like Oh, they don’t clash, and then they put them on and they walk out the door so.

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Steve Werner: Right what should guys look for what’s a big mistake that they make like a specific mistake and.

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Steve Werner: How can they remedy.

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Kim Seltzer: yeah the biggest mistake, I think guys make is that they were things too big that’s huge because a lot of guys are into comfort they don’t like things.

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Kim Seltzer: That are uncomfortable so there’s an association that if they wear something that’s more fitted or form fitting.

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Kim Seltzer: they’ll feel constricted or you know a lot of guys will like oh look like metro and all that you know, like there’s a lot of things around it and it’s different for every guy but the truth is, if a guy has a nice pair of fitted dark wash jeans, for instance, and a nice button down.

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Kim Seltzer: Honestly, you guys are so easy like we’re the ones that have a lot more stuff going on, we have the jewelry and the makeup and blah blah blah.

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Kim Seltzer: If you just wear a nice button down shirt with colors that flatter your skin tone.

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Kim Seltzer: But also, you have to understand your body type right and and I think this this goes, both for men and women i’m very scientific and the way I approach close i’m not this like cookie cutter styles from La and say oh just where the silla FAB.

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Kim Seltzer: Like it really is about your stature because if you’re shorter and stockier that’s going to be like a different.

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Kim Seltzer: Recommendation than someone who’s taller than lean you know, so if you do have there’s variation in the body, but once you understand your body type on what looks good.

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Kim Seltzer: Then being put together is just that and also, I will say shoes shoes matter like.

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Kim Seltzer: We women look at your shoes we like we love it like you could be wearing a T shirt and jeans and then, if you have like these funky converse on or something that’s just kind of different.

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Kim Seltzer: Oh, we think that’s super hot you know because it just it has like there’s a style to you and there’s an air of confidence about it.

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Kim Seltzer: Even when a guy wears a bright color like Steve you’re wearing a bright red right now, like that takes confidence to where some guys were like oh I don’t want to be too loud.

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Kim Seltzer: But that that confidence has an association with sex appeal to so Those are just a little things obviously there’s a lot more, but.

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Steve Werner: So I have to ask two questions, so I showed up i’m going to tell the story.

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Steve Werner: Yes to a business Conference a men’s business conference in in La there were about 50 of us in the room right 48 I swear it was 48 like 45 of the guys are wearing black skinny jeans.

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Kim Seltzer: uh huh.

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Kim Seltzer: converse yep.

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Steve Werner: Like black V neck T shirt and I thought that looked horrible but I will defer to you.

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Steve Werner: I don’t I don’t think skinny jeans on guys look good or are comfortable I don’t understand why anyone would ever wear them if you’re tall It makes you look like I don’t know like an insect and if you’re short.

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Steve Werner: A little chubby it just makes you look bad, but I will defer to you because you’re the woman, so my question is skinny jeans yes or no.

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Kim Seltzer: 100% yes, however, it depends on your stature to your point and it also depends on what you’re calling skinny.

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Steve Werner: skinny jeans versus tailored like not not like baggy loose like genco like not even genco but like loose fitting jeans versus like tailored they look good skinny is like skin tight.

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Steve Werner: Like you had to jump into them.

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Kim Seltzer: Right right, you know because here’s the thing that’s the thing there’s there’s a difference between a skinny Jean a straight leg a boot caught, you know, like.

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Kim Seltzer: If we’re getting into technical terms right, and I think you know.

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Kim Seltzer: The bottom line what really looks good is something that is more fitted for your particular leg now if you have a stockier leg.

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Kim Seltzer: Of course, like trying to squeeze into a skinny jeans and then you have like the bulges you know going out like that’s not flattering at all.

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Kim Seltzer: But but either extreme is bad if something’s too tight that’s not flattering if something’s too wide and that’s I think more than mistake that I see or like oh my gosh man, if you have acid wash jeans so i’m or pleats like please call me because, like that is awful.

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Kim Seltzer: that’s, like the other side of the extreme, but I think you can never go wrong with a fitted gene like I am working with this guy right now and we’re doing.

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Kim Seltzer: I mean he’s coaching with me, but the first thing we’re doing is changing his profile picture, so I wanted to help them get a new office, I have this really cool software, where I was uploading different looks he’s like.

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Kim Seltzer: Kim I don’t know those look really like small you know but he’s a skinny guy he lost a lot of weight so he’s not seeing his new body.

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Kim Seltzer: And so, his jeans are just swimming on him and the minute he put on the skinnier Jean he looked like a different guy he looks taller he looks more sophisticated he looks put together.

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Kim Seltzer: Because the bigger leg also looks sloppy so it translates a sloppy, just like the girl with the sweats that’s how it translates.

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Steve Werner: So okay My question then is if guys out there are like okay i’ll give this a shot because.

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Steve Werner: yeah honestly guys are going to listen, if a girl tells him he looks good he’s going to even if it’s not comfortable he’s going to start to listen.

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Steve Werner: Totally, how do you get people to start to get the mental because people always say like when they change clothes right.

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Steve Werner: I don’t feel comfortable in that people are looking at yeah.

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Steve Werner: Or, I know, like a lot of guys, especially like not like i’m pretty skinny but if I wear a tight fitted shirt like I have a little bit of a gut not really.

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Steve Werner: Like it’s just a little bit, but I don’t i’m like Oh, I would rather wear something that’s a little bit bigger and not show that So how do you get people to be comfortable switching like this guy right you’re having.

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Steve Werner: yeah you’re having him put on some things a little bit more fitted, how do you get him to be comfortable and like.

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Steve Werner: comfortable in his mind and comfortable wearing out of the House, because if he’s not comfortable in a dating situation he’s not going to be able to talk to anybody and that’s what I that’s what has been said, behind the scenes you’ve probably heard that but.

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Steve Werner: yeah i’ve heard guys say that, like well i’m not going to talk to anyone, because I feel so awkward or now the place, how do you.

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Kim Seltzer: approach that conversation Well, this is why I like I can’t imagine doing this stuff about being a therapist To be honest, because there’s so many things that come up around this you know, and this goes for both men and women, I mean some people.

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Kim Seltzer: grew up and they had body shame, you know, some people were criticized, you know, some people hate their body and any sense of attention around their body they get really insecure around so.

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Kim Seltzer: I think the first thing is, and this, no matter who I work with I do like to have a little bit of understanding of their background.

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Kim Seltzer: You know, and like what do they love about their body, what do they hate about their body, I think we have to talk about our bodies first before we put the clothes on them.

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Kim Seltzer: And I, I think, once we understand where that kind of objection is coming from like Oh, I could never do that.

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Kim Seltzer: Then I can work with that you know if it is where they’re like I don’t like things constricting me and it’s just like more of a fabric thing and a tactile thing which actually a lot of guys have sensitivity to.

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Kim Seltzer: it’s really just teaching the different brands that are out there that are different than maybe what they have tried, because you know Gone are the days.

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Kim Seltzer: Of the stiff jeans you know, in the 90s, we all just had one material, and it was those stiff cardboard jeans so if that’s all the guy knows and that’s the last time he shopped of course he’s gonna.

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Kim Seltzer: put on the skinny Jean right, but the truth is, is that nowadays there there’s like elasticity and cotton in the jeans and they’re so comfortable I mean if you’re into comfort.

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Kim Seltzer: The big like kind of a name brands, are the way to go, because the more expensive, the gene, the better quality, it is and it’s going to be way more comfortable so a lot of it is just education if that’s the objection now.

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Kim Seltzer: If the objection has to do with what I don’t like being seen and going back to my story that was my issue like I was petrified and having a man actually see me it’s like I wanted it, but I really didn’t.

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Kim Seltzer: So it was more of an excuse right and so.

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Steve Werner: So for the women out there, how did you overcome them how did you because that’s a journey.

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Kim Seltzer: It is a journey, and this is why I like working from the outside and.

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Kim Seltzer: I will answer this actually with a story and then i’ll go into the why because, like, I was working with this woman and after talking with her before we went into the store.

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Kim Seltzer: She was saying how much she just hated her body, and she had all these insecurities and she hadn’t eaten in 25 years, so this is a significant case now, before we walked into the store she’s like.

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Kim Seltzer: kimmy there’s something I have to tell you I didn’t share with you, I said what’s that she said.

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Kim Seltzer: I cover all my mirrors at home.

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Kim Seltzer: I said oh wow she’s like yeah I haven’t looked at myself and 25 years I don’t know if I can go into that store now.

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Kim Seltzer: If I was a therapist I probably would have sat down and did, like all this like cognitive behavior therapy on her and done all this inner work and, but that is not what she needed she needed evidence of seeing herself in a whole different way.

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Kim Seltzer: And the quickest way to do that was new clothes, so I held her hand we went into the store I said I want you to try this jacket on, and I want you to try these boots on and I just want you to give me five in the mirror just five seconds that’s All I want.

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Kim Seltzer: So she does it she turns around and it’s like 34567 like she just she just kept staring at herself and the tears are running down her cheeks and.

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Kim Seltzer: she’s like i’ve never seen myself so beautiful I can’t believe this and it again, it was that visceral response, just like my red dress so.

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Kim Seltzer: From there I created a monster, just so you know, as she was changing with the door open she was skipping through the store we got her whole new wardrobe we did a photo shoot we went and did wing Gal session.

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Kim Seltzer: And from there, she went online and she found herself a boyfriend, so it is a domino effect.

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Kim Seltzer: But I think for people who have those like insecurities and like i’m not going to wear this there is a mirror nation process with it, but that’s why I like helping people through that it’s practice and just breaking a habit and patterns that’s all it is.

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Steve Werner: that’s I mean it is I agree it is just breaking patterns and like.

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Steve Werner: I I don’t know that I have the answer to it, but I just would think like what I tell people when they’re uncomfortable with business i’m like picture, who do you like in business, I asked them and then I just say picture you’re that person and you’re acting as that person.

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Kim Seltzer: I guess you’re.

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Steve Werner: out the door that gets you started, if you like, I mean one guy told me like Steve Jobs and he could like quote the movie to me, I said just pretend that like pretend, you are, that for the time that you were there.

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Steve Werner: Like just he was nervous about going to I always teach people to go to meet ups to meet people and network i’m like go like you can do that, and just pretend you’re Steve Jobs like it had nothing to do with what he looked like by would think it would work, the same.

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Steve Werner: user and you got her dress like.

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Kim Seltzer: it’s exactly the same yeah.

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Steve Werner: So kimmy we might have you back for a second session because there are a ton of questions.

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Steve Werner: Okay, so we’ll leave them on a cliffhanger, but I want you to talk just for a moment, if you’re listening to this and you’re like yeah I need more tell us.

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Steve Werner: A little bit about the style guide that you have the style guide is in the notes, you can click on it tell us what it is and why they should need it.

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Kim Seltzer: yeah and actually that was one of the steps that I was going to say, like everybody can do a closet audit right now and just kind of look and see what is working and what’s not and the first thing is to figure out.

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Kim Seltzer: What your body type is, and so what this guide is, I have one for women, one for men, the women there are five body types and the guide goes over how to measure yourself now.

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Kim Seltzer: I just want to be clear, this is not your weight, this is actually your bone structure, because every time I mentioned like measuring tape to women, they get all.

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Kim Seltzer: Right and so it’s about your proportions and once you know what body type, you are the guide goes into what clothes flatter that figure and what clothes to stay away from now for the guys it’s a man’s.

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Kim Seltzer: fashion manifesto because there’s only three body types for guys it’s a little more simple, but then I go over other like tips and style.

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Kim Seltzer: stuff for guys like grooming and you know other things that guys want to know, but they normally just don’t talk about with their friends so that’s that’s what’s in the guide.

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Steve Werner: Cole if you guys want to pick up the guide you definitely should.

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Steve Werner: kimmy obviously knows her stuff she has been around the block she is here to help you can me if people want to find you online if they want to reach out to you if they want to do one of your flirt workshops Where do they go and have a flirt workshops guys girls both.

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Kim Seltzer: Both both i’m so excited because now i’m putting everyone in the room together used to offer things like separately i’m like it’s time for the boys and girls to be together.

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Kim Seltzer: So yeah now, the best thing to do my website is kimmy seltzer.com K mmm why seltzer like the water calm.

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Kim Seltzer: And pretty much all my social handles are at kimmy seltzer, but if you have a question you want to like asked me directly, just go to ask kimmy calm and that’s the best way and then you’ll be in my community and get all my.

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Kim Seltzer: goodies and, of course, my podcast is the charisma question that you only get to hear Ceylon.

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Steve Werner: awesome kimmy Thank you so much for coming on this has been it’s fun I love talking with you, it is eye opening and I think a lot of people out there.

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Steve Werner: On this is something that they it’s always the question on their mind, but they don’t know how to handle it so if you guys.

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Steve Werner: want to get some help go check me out definitely get the style guide, if you want her to come on again reach out to me, let me know we will have her on for a second round gets more questions answered, can we thank you so much for coming on.

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Kim Seltzer: Thank you for having me, as always, so fun.

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Steve Werner: No problem is my pleasure to everyone else out there until next time take action change lives and make money, we will see you next time.